The Politics of Purity in Sport: USATF Membership and Background Checks

Yesterday I was sitting on one of those benches made out of recycled egg cartons and plastic outside of a grocery store, one of the stores for which I palletize bulk grocery items in the distribution center I work at.

I was sitting there in the shade of the storefront on a "feels like" 100 plus degrees early summer day feeling apprehensive about going to work. I was feeling the unmistakable weight of deep existential depression, a kind of sadness contained within its own particular spectrum of dark shades and shadows.

I decided to call my parole agent to check on whether or not my travel permission was approved for the weekend. I was already signed up for race one of the Black Diamond Series coming up on Sunday, the Mainline 5k up at Montage Mountain Resorts in Moosic, PA, near Scranton.

I had signed up a week ago and texted her the information necessary to get permission to travel outside of the range of counties in which I am allowed to travel freely. I have a good working relationship with my PO and she asked me about the race while she filled out the travel permission form.

"Are you going to be running up a mountain?" I explained a little bit about the race(s) and my reasons for wanting to sign up. She told me I was awesome as she texted me my travel permission before we hung up. That gave me the lift I needed to get on with the day and go to work.

The case count at work wasn't high and the work wasn't too heavy last night. Seemed like it was going to be a relatively "easy" night, but kind of like an easy run, it's never entirely effortless.

On my dinner break, after a small bite to eat, I began looking into what it takes to qualify for the US Mountain Running Championship, how make the team, etc. This is something I've been curious about since I got into the sport more than 6 years ago now.

Up until last summer, I never thought I was ever going to be fit enough or fast enough to compete at a high level at any distance. I am still not quite there yet, but I believe it's possible. I don't want to go into too much detail or focus too heavily on what that mental process has looked like, but basically my interest has shifted from ultra to marathon/OTQ to mountain running and skyrunning within a relatively short time frame.

I have natural talent on technical terrain and even more so over shorter distances. My training has never fully resembled ultra or marathon training and I have always had a tendency towards lower volume and the very real need and desire for more vertical gain in a training block. I just can't help myself.

After focusing on JFK50 two years in a row and finishing that race for a third time I was ready to chase the OTQ, knowing there was a razor thin chance of me actually getting there and even if I did, I would very likely never be allowed to represent my country in the Olympics. It's something I've dreamed about since I was 8 years old, after watching Michael Johnson sprint to victory wearing gold Nikes.

The point was to keep chasing long distance speed while I still can. I got into the sport late. I'm soon to be 37. All I can do is my best to set myself up for success and maybe be a nasty dog of a masters athlete. Only time will tell. I think my confidence and excitement towards the Black Diamond Series got me thinking about the future a little bit, so I started looking into what is required to make the US Mountain Running team after I was done eating dinner, before getting back to work last night.

I quickly learned that in order to compete at the highest level of mountain running, I have to become a member of USA Track & Field. As I began exploring the USATF website, my hopes began to fade. I felt foolish. All USATF members have to pass a background check and that is not something I am very well able to do.

The background check for USATF membership includes a criminal background check and when I was 23 years old I committed a series of crimes, including armed robbery, in a mode of psychological melt down. There's no denying that I was acting out of character, in fear and desperation, suffering greatly as an effect of the compounding torment of undiagnosed mental illness.

Ironically enough, only a month previous to when I finally began to completely unravel, I did reach out to get some help. I didn't believe in mental illness at that time, despite being stricken with a host of symptoms including anxiety, depression, dissociation, paranoia, etc.

I was also struggling greatly with disordered eating. I didn't know eating disorders were considered mental illness, but I was tired of hurting and was ready for help. I was experiencing eating disorder symptoms, but had never been diagnosed or received any treatment. After a call to Crisis Intervention and a brief emergency room visit, I was simply told to seek counseling and get some help.

This all holds much greater significance now.

I began finding out that I am Autistic when I started tapering for my final JFK50 this past November and began experiencing the first alarming signs of ADHD at work only 11 months before that, about 2-3 weeks after my 2nd running of JFK in 2023.

Preceding all of that was a very difficult and trying mental health journey that spanned from the time I was released from prison in April of 2019, eventually resulting in rehabilitation for pandemic induced alcohol dependency and BPD, MDD and C-PTSD diagnoses (C-PTSD is a specification a doctor can make of a PTSD diagnosis, affirming the patient's experience of complex and/or childhood trauma).

The unmasking of Autism within the process of acceptance has a lot to do with my coming around as an athlete and knowing more deeply that I am truly meant for the mountains. One of my favorite quotes is one by John Muir that found its way into my heart while incarcerated at SCI Somerset:

"Thousands of tired, nerve-shaken, over-civilized people are beginning to find out that going to the mountains is going home; that wildness is a necessity..."

Being Autistic can often feel like being an alien on planet earth. No, I don't believe in Aliens or ETs, but I don't feel at home here. Not anywhere. Not until I start warming up does life begin to organize. Not until I'm running do my thoughts begin to slow. Not until I'm close to reaching the peak does life really speak to me... only on certain trails in particular places do I begin to feel like I'm finding my way.

I am an athlete. There is no doubt about it. I am a competitor and it goes without saying, competitors compete. I tried my hand at ultra, but it's not enough about running. It's about aid stations, crew and like they say, it's an eating contest.

I thought about marathon, but only for a moment. Many autistics have a high need for repetition. My particular AuDHD/neurocomplexity requires more novelty than pure repetition. Exploring the mountains offer the newness and the refreshing I need. Training itself provides the repetition(s).

No matter what though, I was bound to want to compete in a USATF event, for which membership is required, at some point. Just as I am really gaining some momentum this year, with a half-marathon PB and a local 5k win, just as I am opening up, the world of competitive running just shrank back and closed itself off to me.

The European Athletics Association does not mandate criminal background checks for all its members, so why does USATF? Is there or has there ever been a problem or issue of any kind involving convicted felons or formerly incarcerated persons attempting to become USATF members, not to reach the highest peak, but to do the most damage and harm to their fellow competitors?

While it comes as no surpise, it hurts in a new way that feels all too familiar at this point. The same barriers to entry throughout society, impeding my ability to earn income, secure suitable living arrangements and now, obtain the support I know I need as a formerly incarcerated person, navigating daily life on the Autism spectrum, are the same barriers deeming me ineligible to compete at the highest level in the biggest mountains with the best endurance athletes in the world and it has nothing to do with ability, capacity or fitness.

I have been following a lot of athletes on Strava who compete in USATF events. Up until now, I have felt a certain kindredness with those talented and gifted souls. I can only say that because I know what I am capable of and do not fall into the same comparison trap as many others do, but I have to wonder now... how many of these athletes even want someone like me following them? How many of them would accept me for who I am, if discrimination is what they accept of the governing body that holds court over their aptitude, eligibility and thus their worthiness as competitors?

That is how much this means to me and that is how serious I take this.

That's how much it hurts.

Today I have to make the tough decision to discontinue following road, trail and mountain athletes who compete in USATF events. It's nothing personal, but this is what I can do about this now, today.

If any pro runners happen to read this, the rest is up to you. It can't be all on me. I currently bear the weight of too much, alone. I wish you all godspeed and grace. My hope & prayer is too share the mountain with you someday.

Until then, I'll continue chipping away at my corner of the earth, reaching for my time in the sky... approaching the prominence from another angle, looking for a new line to the top.

❤